Wednesday, August 19, 2009


It has been a long time between writings.

Because there are things I just don't how to write about yet. Because sometimes life is all-consuming.

Currently, The Spouse has taken Thing 1 to go ice skating. It has been much anticipated by her. I hope that she is having a wonderful time. She doesn't have enough "wonderful" in her life these days. This past Sunday, I walked with her into her children's class and saw the three little girls in her class sit down together, put their hand over the one open chair, and say "You can't sit by us. There isn't room for you."

And my heart broke into a thousand pieces.

Because I know these girls are good, kind little girls. Because I know that they aren't being mean, intentionally. They are just friends. And she isn't part of the group. But the lost, forlorn look on my daughter's face brought me to such a helpless, hollow place. I wanted to scoop her up and carry her out. I wanted to tell her that there would always be a place by me, for her. But I can't do that. So I pulled up a chair for her, gave her a hug, and left.

Things like that leave very little in me that is worth writing, and they seem to be happening a lot lately.

And, at the same time--not.

Because I've spent this evening with Thing 2, watching him while he watched his current favorite: Robin Hood. His chatter about the characters and laughing over the story. He is my Boy. And I'll take half an hour of sheer joy in exchange for a day full of confused temper tantrums. Any time.

So there really isn't any point to this post, except a simple "Here I am, and this is where I am." I feel grateful, at least, to have someplace to say it.


Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

Oh man, I'm sorry. I hope her ice skating date is wonderful. And believe it or not, I think that whole "you'll always have a place by me" feeling is what children cling to when they need to.

Erin said...

oh boy, becca, it breaks my heart to hear that and she isn't even my daughter!

sorry i had to rush you off the phone this afternoon. hang in there dear friend!!

Christina said...

Oh man... this brought tears to my eyes! I remember how she must have felt. It's happened to all of us, right?

I can also anticipate what it will feel like one day when something similar might happen to little man. I don't like the feeling one bit.

Teresa said...

I'm with you. It's tough for kids to go through and I think even harder for parents to watch.
I also get this because I think some kids get this more than others. I feel even more helpless because I know it's quite possible they will experience it most of their lives - not just while they're trying to figure things out in childhood. It hurts my heart and I've lost sleep over it.
On a happier note - so glad you guys spend time with each of your kids and find joy in doing so.:}

Ruth said...

hoi schwess, Is the cup full to overflowing or is it drained dry? It never seems to even pause in the halfway point when you have kids. I have a hard time just forgiving - much less being understanding - of the kids who choose to exclude mine. Especially if they flip a switch and start being civil just before they ask me to bring out a neighborhood treat. Talk about exasperating! -R

Carolynn Spencer said...

Oh, the mama bear in me comes out when I hear things like that. I am sorry, so sorry for sweet Emily. On the other hand, I have to say you are at your best as a writer when you are just telling your truth--raw and painful like this, or hysterical realities like your "day in the life" series (and you know I'm talking chafing). The writing is so moving because it's honest and real. So...I guess I'm saying, great entry despite (or maybe because of) the heartbreak behind it.

denise said...

What Carolyn said- so exactly. I love Em- there will always be a place beside me for her, too.